Taking A Break to Prevent Me From Losing My Temper
- Austin Anger Management
- Nov 6
- 2 min read
Taking a break is a method used to stop or prevent violence by leaving an escalating situation. Taking a break should be used whenever I feel myself starting to go down the pathway to losing my temper. I can sense this by tuning into my body and noticing any tension, heat, tightness, increasing heartrate, quickness in breathing, or a surge of energy.
These are all physical signs that I am heading down the road to losing my temper. I can also tune into my thoughts and notice my self-talk. Are my thoughts winding me up by saying things to myself that increase the chance that I will lose my temper? When I'm not able to change these negative thoughts, I need to leave!
SPECIFIC STEPS TO TAKE A BREAK
Say to yourself and your partner, "I'm starting to get upset, and I'm afraid of what might happen if I lose my temper." "I want to stop talking for a bit until I calm down." "I'm going for a walk, and I'll be back in about 45 minutes to an hour, and we can talk again if you'd like."
Leave the premises. Don't go to another room or into the garage, into the closet or to take a shower. Walk or go for a run. Go to the library or a bookstore or any other healthy distraction. Do something that helps you calm down rather than amp up.
Do not drink alcohol or take drugs during this time, unless you have been prescribed a mood stabilizer to help you calm down, or medicine to help prevent or reduce a panic attack.
Avoid driving, if you can. Being in traffic can make things worse.
Do not go to a friend's or relative's house and complain about your partner. You might feel better by venting, but your partner will feel betrayed which will lead to more problems.
Do call your counselor. Even if you just leave a message, it could help you to calm down.
If you start to have thoughts about the situation that increase your angry feelings, focus on something else, such as all of the things you love about your partner and how grateful you feel to be with them.
When you return, check in with your partner to see if both of you want to talk.
If you both want to talk, focus on the feelings underneath your anger. Use "I" messages, and the three part formula: "When _____ happened, I felt _____, and I wish that _____." No blame. No judgment, and no criticism.
If either one of you does not want to talk, this needs to be respected. Set a time and place within the next few days without any distractions, to resume the conversation.
If you keep haviang the same conflict, argument, or fight over and over, you and your partner are in gridlock and will need to learn the skillset to manage a situation that is not currently resolveable.
Taking a Break can be misused if used as a form of stonewalling*. (*Ref: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse)
